Hi, everyone.

I know its been awhile since my last post and it seemed like I won't be posting anything anymore but no, I still love this blog and I'm not ready to let it go yet. Its just that I've been busy with life these days. Lots of things happened last year, and I gotta say, it kinda changed me. 

I've been planning to update this blog since last month actually but like I said, I've been busy with life. Now that I finally have time and the mood for it, Imma tell you guys whoever read this (if there is any) about one of the things that happened last year that actually changed me. I bet this will be a long post. So, behold.

So around the end of March last year, he suddenly told me that he wanted to end it. Yes, he wanted to end our relationship. He said he'd wanna continue with Phd straight after finishing his Master later, so it'll take time cause he'd probably finish his Phd at around 30 y/o. He said he didn't want me to wait for him. My family of course wouldn't let us get married if he still doesn't have a job yet. I mean how is he gonna support me if he could barely support himself on his study? At first I was furious, because we both already finished our degree and we both got an offer from JPA, but he chose to reject it and pursue his Master program. I respected his decision and decided to try to find a job, hoped to get my placement ASAP. Alhamdulillah I got my placement on Nov2018 (few months after I finished my degree). I thought at least he'd get a job first after finishing his Master, thats why I was furious when suddenly he said he wanted to pursue Phd right after he finished his Master later. But then after that I told him I'd wait for him, I didn't care if we'd have to get married at the age of 30, I'll wait. But he insisted on ending the relationship anyway. I didn't have a choice but to respect his decision, cause he said he didn't love me anymore and all, I tried to talk to him out of it but I guess he'd made up his mind. He even blocked me after that so I couldn't contact him anymore, unfriended/unfollowed me on all of his social media. I was heartbroken of course. I mean, it was near my birthday that time, and I gotta say I'd experienced the worst birthday ever last year, heartbroken, all alone, crying during the whole journey back to Tapah from home. I didn't tell anybody cause at that time I thought he just said all those things because he didn't want me to wait for him till 30. So basically during that time I still had a hope that we'll be together eventually after he finishes his Phd later. I basically didn't chat with any guy after that even though we already broke up,

because at that time, I was still hoping. 

Then I started to move on, I went through the denial phase where I thought he only said those things cause he didn't want me to wait for him till the age of 30, then I went through the anger phase, right when he started to unblock me and text me again (few months after the break up). Yes, I was mad. Of course I was, he ended things with me, blocked me, then left me hanging, and then when I started to move on, he came back? wanting to meet again and all, of course I wasn't ready to see his face again. But I replied him cause I thought he wasn't dating anybody cause he wanted to focus on his study. We both agreed that if we found someone else we'd tell each other and we won't be contacting each other no more. As time passed by, he contacted me more and more often, asking to meet, asking what I do, who I go out with etc. I replied, not attentively though, cause I kinda started to enjoy living my single life, plus I was mad and annoyed at him for block-unblocking me whenever he liked. He even actually considered to come to Jaz's wedding with me cause Jaz and Mirul were both our friends, luckily syera asked me first so I decided to go with her instead.

Then on 22nd Sept 19, while I was having a good time resting during that Sunday evening, I got a DM from Zul on twitter, he told me someone was looking for me, someone was asking him about me. Then that person DM-ed me on my twitter, asking me about aqwa, asking me if I had any relationship with him. I asked him who was she? cause she even told me that she had something with him at that time. Like, it shocked me of course. I've told him many times that if he dated someone, tell me, but he said he didn't date anyone. When I asked him about her, he said he had to be close to her because he was depending on her prof's study grant (a fucking lie). I mean, wtf? 

Why did you give her hope if you don't like her? 

She asked me about something, something that he lied to her about, that she wanted to know the truth, and he literally told me to lie to her about the things she asked me about. Its fucking sick. At first I just couldn't take it anymore that night so I decided to ignore them both and watch some Cernobyl. Before I sleep that night I read her text, she sent me a confession of why she approached me and all, that he'd been acting strange, that they'd been in a relationship since before I broke up with him, that he'd been flirting with her long before we broke up (more than 1 year), that they'd planned to get engaged in January 2020 and get married in August 2020, that they'd bought a ring for it, that they'd went to wedding expos to survey for their wedding ceremony. I read the confession the next day. It fucking shocked me. Already bought a ring and planning to get married? And had the audacity to lie to me saying that he didn't even date anyone yet? Wtf? I mean WTF? I clearly told him before if he had dated someone after breaking up with me, tell me, and he didn't, till I found out about this from other people. That morning I couldn't even focus on my job. I was working in the female ward for my prp rotation, luckily my preceptor was a very understanding person. Still is. That day I didn't even feel like eating, I basically lost my appetite for the week. 

That day, I didn't just find out that he cheated on me with her, he once flirted with another girl (probably his classmate during degree) while he was with me and her. Pasang 3. Mini heart attack over and over again that day. When I asked him for an explanation, he said he wasn't serious with that girl. He asked her to marry him, and he said it was a joke. I was like, what?

How could you joke about something like that you moron?

Okay, those who don't know him, he was a guy who claimed himself to be very shy towards the females, in class back in the school years he didn't even talk to us females face to face. He prohibited me from replying any of my (guy) friend's tweets, whatsapp, and any other social media. I was prohibited from letting guys following my instagram, I couldn't post any of my photos on twitter, sometimes he even turned my twitter to private without me knowing, till I noticed. He'd be furious if I went out in a group where there were guys in it, even if its our colleagues, he'd be mad if I were in a group picture where there's a guy too. A fucking sick, control-freak he was. Back then I went on with it cause I thought if he didn't like me doing it, of course he didn't do it either, but sometimes I found his pictures in groups where there's girls too. I mean I was totally fine with it, but what made me mad was that if he didn't want me to do it then I expected him not to do it too of course. Another reason that I stayed with him for 7 years eventhough I've seen so many red flags from him was because I promised myself that I want to be with only one guy for the rest of my life, and since I started to have a relationship with him, I want him to be the one, for better or for worse, so I stayed. But cheating on me? Thats way out of line. I could put up with all his shits, I could accept all his flaws as long as he didn't cheat on me. 

Once he cheated, thats it, I'm done with him. 

So basically that week, I think I was more to furious that sad. I was mad, because my 'sad' phase had passed. I no longer felt sad, I was just, mad. So mad that when he tried to twist the story over and over again, I couldn't take it anymore of his lies,

so I told him to fuck himself. 

About that girl who approached me, lets just call her S. Well, S decided that despite of everything that happened, she still wanted to accept him back, she wanted to be with him again, she said at least now she knows he is a cheater she could monitor him. I was like

Ok..

I said to her if he cheated on someone else with you, he'll cheat on you with someone else, then I said to her, good luck. Its her decision anyway. 

Around a month after that, in October2019, He texted me again, saying he didn't have anything to do with S anymore because she went out in a group where there were guys (2 females 2 males) something like that, and there was about karaoke they went to and all. I told him to just get back with her cause what he did, cheated on her (basically on both of us) was way worse than what she did. So they got back together again. 

Then somewhere around December2019, they fought again, broke up again due to his attitude. He texted me again, tryna play victim, again. Actually not long before that he texted me and went mad at me for telling his sister about who he really was, now that his family already knew he was a cheater, he blamed me for it. Then in december he texted me, saying he broke up with S again, and wanted me back. I said no, and I blocked him. I mean what did he think I am? a spare part? Where he could just turn to whenever his relationship with S went south? Well if he think I'd accept him back, he needed to think again. After that I never heard from both of them anymore. 

* * * *

After I knew about the cheating, I asked him when did the love faded? He said when I started having a car. I was speechless. Maybe he couldn't take it if his partner achieved something better than him. Back then when we were still dating, he once told me not to expect a good, decent life after marriage. He said 'nanti dah kahwin kita mungkin akan hidup susah, jangan expect lah nak makan secret recipe macam ni selalu' while we were eating secret recipe that time. And he also didn't want me to work, he wanted me to take care of the kids instead. I was okay if he didn't want me to work if he could provide me a decent life. If he couldn't, of course I'd choose to work, to help reducing his burden. After I knew he cheated, I thought maybe the reason he didn't want me to work in the first place was so he could cheat on me whenever he likes and that I couldn't do anything about it cause I won't be working so I just have to accept it, something like that. Even with S, he kinda did the same thing to her. He told her not to expect a decent life after married, didn't let her work after married, prohibited her from having male followers etc. 

Sick.

* * * *

Last year had been hell of a roller coaster for me I'd say, but I'm glad those things happened. I'm truly grateful that Allah showed me the truth. Before this, I was so afraid to lose him. Even when I prayed, I prayed that he's the one, I prayed that may he be the best one for me. I know I should pray for the right person instead, but I guess I just wanted him to be that right person. Back then I guess my biggest fear was losing him. Like, I didn't care if I don't have any friends as long as I have him and my family. Then Allah showed me, I lost him. It was hard but I managed. I was actually surprised on how I could manage it quite well, I'd say.

At first after he broke up with me in March, I swear to myself that if I didn't end up with him later on, I just didn't wanna get married at all. I blamed myself for what happened. I thought he dumped me cause I wasn't good enough, so he gave the 'Phd' excuse to end things with me. Later in September when I knew he cheated on me, I stopped blaming myself no more. I finally felt relieved that its not actually my fault. And I decided that I'd wanna get married, I believe in God's plan.

Slowly after the break up, I got better and better, lots of good things happened to me, everything seemed so easy. My life has been better without him. I already have a job, a car, a lovely family, and I could just do anything I feel like doing. I started drawing again, reading more books, painting, go for movies whenever I want, eat whatever I want without having to think about having not enough money, do some regular exercises. I started to invest on myself, explore my inner potentials, and started to plan for vacations, travels. 

Never better.

Alhamdulillah, Allah made it easy for me. I started my 2020 with a vacation to Yogyakarta, Indonesia. It was amazing. I look forward to travelling more after this. Visiting other countries. 

I gotta admit, living a single life feels pretty awesome too. Though sometimes I'd feel lonely, most of the time I'd feel good. Now I don't even look for 'the one' anymore. I did pray though that Allah grant me a soulmate who is the best for me. Indeed, He knows whats best for us and when to give that best thing to us. I mean we plan, well He plans too, and indeed, He is the best planner. 

Its just that since after what had happened, I think I'd raise the bar for my future spouse. I've learned a lot from what happened back then, this time I decided that I won't settle for less anymore.

Know your worth girls. Good night, xoxo.